Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
