there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Boobs speak an international language.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
