I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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