Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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