Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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