I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
