Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
