If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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