I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
