awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Randomize
