btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
