Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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