Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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