Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
