If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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