So drunk, too bad you don't want this
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
