tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
