I will die if light touches me.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
