i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
