Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
