Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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