Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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