Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
