I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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