the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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