last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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