allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
lets start a swedish sibling band together
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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