Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
