I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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