I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she looked like the before picture.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
