I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
