Don't make out with my wife yet
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
