Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
