I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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