im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We don't watch enough power rangers
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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