please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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