the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
