and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
