I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
