Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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