Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
