You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
