It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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