if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Randomize
