If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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