Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
