One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
We just shotgunned beers for America
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
