Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I love you. Go after that dick
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
