dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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