she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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