He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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