Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
