my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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