So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
