So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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