I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
