Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
