someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Pooping to opera.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
