Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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