mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize